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DUCK FOR COVER HERE: ARE YOU BUGGED BY FLYING BULLETS? GOVERNMENT WEBSITES WILL FIX THE PROBLEM

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Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Prime Minister Paul Martin and welcome to the official unveiling of our national "shoot times" strategy.

As you know, our national shoot times strategy is modelled on our highly successful national "wait times" strategy for medical services and is consistent with our philosophy of studying the problems confronting Canadians to death -- literally -- without ever doing anything about them.

In that light, our national shoot times strategy -- and I'm pleased to have Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty and Mayor David Miller with me today to discuss its implications for Toronto -- will study the problem of gun violence, to death, without ever doing anything about it, like, say, toughening our laws for gun crime.

Instead, today we're proud to unveil our national shoot times strategy website,
www.soft.on.crime.canada.gc.ca, its Ontario counterpart,
www.when.havewe.ever.lied.to.you.before? gov.on.ca and its Toronto equivalent,
www.sitting.ducks.toronto.ca.

Using these sites, you'll be able to compare our suggested wait times for how long it should ideally be between shootings at any major intersection in Toronto, and the real-time statistics on how long it actually takes.

For example, if you'll look at the screen overhead, you'll see that ideally, according to our national website, an exchange of gunfire in broad daylight at Bloor and Sherbourne streets in Toronto should not occur at any time in the next 50 years.

Now, transferring your attention to the Ontario and Toronto websites, we find that no shooting has in fact occurred there since ... let's see ... where is that figure? ... oh, yes, here it is ... Monday!

So as you can see, the system is working perfectly!

By carefully comparing these websites and consulting with your family doctor ... oops, I mean your real estate agent ... you'll be able to instantly determine those communities in which your chances of being shot are the highest, and thus be able to encourage your real estate agent to refer you to new home listings in safer places.

MOVE TO FOREST HILL

If you'll look at the statistics on the right side of the computer screen, for example, you'll note that if you're living anywhere near Jane and Finch right now, you might want to consider relocating to a safer neighbourhood like Forest Hill.

See how easy this is? Problem solved! After all, how hard can it be for anyone to move from Jane Finch to Forest Hill?

Indeed, as Premier McGuinty has wisely pointed out, "you can't manage what you can't measure."

Now, thanks to this joint federal-provincial-Toronto initiative, shooting victims along with those hoping not to be shot will, as the premier puts it, "have access to reliable, recent data."

As an added bonus, our federal website will also list which guns involved in these shootings were smuggled in from the United States and which weren't.

This, as you all know, is of great interest to the public, because it is much better to be shot by good Canadian guns rather than evil American ones. Unfortunately, we will not be able to determine how many of the guns used in these shootings were previously registered with our federal gun registry.

This is due to a temporary technical glitch with our national website which, I can assure you, will soon be made permanent.

Rest assured, my fellow Canadians, that with today's announcement, I think we can safely say we've fixed the national shoot times problem for a generation.